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5 Steps To Transition From A Break-Up

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Posted: 17 October 2015
When relationships come to an end, so do the visions of what could have been. It's natural to grieve the loss on many levels - the loss of companionship, love, intimacy and the future you envisioned together. One of the questions clients ask me most is: how do I move on from this person when I can't stop thinking about them?

There is a process that has helped many begin healing and moving forward. Here are some observations from personal experience as well as what has worked for my clients.

1. Closure. When things are left up in the air, it can be very hard to move on. When you don't understand the motives behind someone's hurtful behavior, or why they pulled away suddenly, it is natural to keep wondering what happened. The mature thing to do is keep an open dialogue, clearly and honestly expressing how you feel so that the break can happen as cleanly as possible. When you're the one doing the breaking-up, you will give that person a bit more peace if they understand your true reasons for doing so. If you're the one seeking closure, it can help to write a letter and either send it (after taking time away from it then carefully reviewing it) or throw it away with the intention of letting go. I also recommend being honest when dealing with phone confrontations. Stay calm and don't sugarcoat how you really feel. Some clients believe that being spiritual means spouting off new age jargon, pretending you love everyone, even those who hurt you terribly. This is simply avoiding your authentic feelings that want to be heard. So go ahead, be yourself and let them out. It will help you move forward if you're not holding onto the unsaid.

2. Feng Shui. This ancient practice is simply being aware of creating a healthy, positive living environment that makes you feel peaceful and relaxed. Can you feel this way if you're seeing pictures of an ex or other reminders of them in your space? If your answer is no, it's time to throw out what was and replace the past with what makes you happy in the present. Surround yourself with photos of people who love you. Buy yourself fresh flowers and heavenly scented candles. Make your living a space a retreat from stress.

3. Self-Reflection. There is valuable time between the break-up and your next relationship. Use this time to reflect on what you've learned from your past experiences. If the relationship was brief, it may not take long to reflect and start dating again. When you've been in a committed relationship for many years, it can be healing to take time to focus on yourself. Receive care from others like massage, Reiki and other healing therapies. Take good care of yourself by eating well, meditating and exercising (try yoga heart openers). Speak with a counselor. Read relationship and personal development books. Journal. Keep learning and growing. This time out from dating can give you a fresh perspective, boost your self-esteem, and rejuvenate you.

4. Start Fresh. Several challenges can arise when dating again. Allowing yourself to feel vulnerable and trust again is a common fear. It's natural to want to protect yourself after being hurt or let down. If you go into a new relationship with these fears, you may spend so much time thinking of the worst what ifs that you may not give a great person a real chance. Courage is needed to put yourself out there again. So is faith. Faith that you can handle anything that comes your way, and you can trust yourself to carry on with the wisdom you've acquired from everyone you've met. Key tip: Don't let the new date pay for your ex's mistakes.

5. New Love. Time may heal some wounds, and many are quite happy living on their own. But for those who crave that intimate connection, the final step in completely moving on from the past can be entering a new relationship. You will form new memories, have new challenges, and learn even more about yourself as you embark on a new adventure with a new partner. If you choose to stay present within your new relationship, you will be so busy focusing on each new day as it comes that the past will become a distant memory. You may even find yourself feeling grateful that old relationships ended so this new one could begin.

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Written by: Lauralyn Kearney
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